I know he’s a scientist and all but I have no idea what to write about. It’s an essay I have to write in my science class. Ugh… college is so stressful. The essay is like 5 pages long. I have no idea… have a picture of him…

Yes I have. Just let it go, ignore it. It’s not that big of deal. After I thought about it, we are all spazzing out over nothing. Yes I agree it’s gross and disturbing. But lolicon, lolita, loli, whatever you want to call it, is everywhere on the internet these days. There’s nothing you can do. People have different interest. As long as they aren’t hurting kids in real life, just let it go.

I feel a lot better now that I’ve gotten that out and had people to talk to. I’m still quite depressed and sulky of course but at least I’m not having that many suicidal thoughts. I’d like to thank everyone again that messaged me. It really meant a lot and I love you all so much for that. I hope I can give you guys the same thing you gave me. A friend, an ear. Anyway I’m going to take some advice and get off the internet. 

normally i would agree with you. im not one to post about personal things like this. but you seriously dont know how alone i feel and actually am. i mean i have friends but they don’t want to talk about that sorta thing. im just really desperate at this point.

:( I am not seeking attention. I am blogging about this because I want someone to talk to me. I don’t want to die. I want more options. I NEED HELP. That’s why I’m blogging. I need a friend that will listen and that will also speak. I need someone to be there for me. I’m not posting this because I want attention. I’m posting this because I am at my wits end. I woke up this morning with a massive headache. I knew it was mother’s day. My abdomen is in sooo much pain today. I have dialysis later today. If I miss it, I become really sick. I am done. That’s why I posted this. But I’m crying out for help before I end my life. before i give up and break. i’m crying out just for a little bit of help. even if it’s a simple anon that just replys back to my replys with okay. i… just i dont even care anymore it doesnt matter people just ugh… 

This was really sweet. I really am trying. And I just can’t anymore. I really feel that ending it would just be better for me. I won’t be in physical or emotional pain anymore. Death just seems like the better option right now. 

I really do appreciate the fact that you are a random person messaging another random person. You are truly kind and caring. I thank you so much for that.

I am alone. My mother and sister are the only family I have here in the us and they hate me. My friends? Every time I try to talk to them about my kidney issue they’re just like eww gross, in a funny way. But it’s not funny. I just laugh it off. But it hurts. No one wants to discuss something like this and it hurts. It just really hurts. 

Call it spam. Call it junk. I really don’t care at this moment. I will tag it with it’s appropriate tags though.

Okay so my name is Jaci, to those of you that do not know. I am a 21 year old female and have been struggling with kidney failure for 2 years now. Most people do not this about me because I think I am disgusting for it. My father, the only person I believe that honestly cared about me died 2 years ago of cancer. About around the same time I started having kidney failure. He was cremated and gave his ashes to me (why me) in his will. He was to be spread out on his family’s home in Ireland (I’ve been there 3 times and can not afford to go back now) His urn has been sitting in my home for 2 years now. And it depresses me out sooo much sometimes. 1. because my mother and sister(twin, yes my twin) hates me for it. To make it worse it’s mothers day. I know if I call my mom she will just be silent then hang up. Anyway they both hate me because while my dad was sick I didn’t have the strength to go visit them. And they are upset that he gave me the urn. On to the next story.

 Because of my kidney failure I have to go through dialysis 2 times a week. If you don’t know what that is, you’re lucky. It’s the worst most disgusting thing ever. They basically take my blood, clean it through a machine, then put my blood back in me. One of my kidneys is completely dead or near death. I have this tube in my stomach all the damn time. This is why I feel gross. I feel ugly and disgusting. Dialysis makes me soo weak, tired, and depressed. Then I have to come home and know/see my dad’s urn. Next story.

I have a eating disorder. And it comes whenever I’m feeling extra depressed like now. I basically eat healthy. Good right? No. I take it to the extreme. No meat, no soda, no juice, no milk, no salt, no pepper, no seasonings. When I cook my veggies I barely cook it. So it’s not like I’m anorexic. I’m not. I don’t care how much I eat. I care that what I’m eating is…. pure? Clean? I guess I don’t know. It’s just not good for you. My body isn’t getting all the nutrients I need. 

I’m literally always in pain. Advil? Tylonel? Please. It seriously feels like someone is running me over back and forth with their car. The pain is so intense sometimes. And it’s not that pain where it hurts then goes away. No. I’m in pain every second of the day, every day. I feel a bit better when I get dialysis. Sometimes my belly even extends. It’s just too much for me. And my eating disorder doesn’t help this at all. And of course, I mainly get this disorder when my kidneys piss me off. Pain is not the only problem with this. My body is really just shutting down. But I’m waiting for a kidney. I’ve been waiting for 2 fucking long years. And I have no one to talk to that knows about this. Only my sister, mom, and dad knew. So I feel really alone.

I’ve attempted suicide a few times. It’s just hard to live with all this pressure. Feeling alone. Knowing your mother truly hates you. At this point in this post I am crying my eyes out because I’m telling you all my deepest secrets. I really feel that should go take a whole bunch of meds and then drink every single aclholhic drink I have. Wouldn’t that be a perfect mother’s day present to my mom. I be she wouldn’t shed a damn tear. 

If anyone is on and willing to talk to me right now, I would really love that. I just need someone to vent to and cry to. I seriously am at my wits end with life.